Remember when America was cool?

"Before you knew it, America was, officially, the big dickhead. We went from being the fun-loving character, who would get drunk and pretend we were fucking a lamp, to the guy talking on his cell phone at the gym. Now we wear purple-tinted sunglasses inside the mall and wife-beaters to the bar (to show off our barbed-wire tattoo). Nobody likes us anymore; when the world sees our name on caller I.D., they just let it go to voicemail. Look at who we hang out with now—England. Fucking England! How long has it been since England was cool? The only chicks that call England have chipped teeth and pockmarks."